A Routine Clean Up
by whingymcgregor
Summary: Weevils, Tea & The Beginning of A Beautiful Friendship! Ianto's out on a routine clean up but runs into a spot of bother. Cardiff's finest lends a helping hand. Also starring PC Andy!


Fandom: Torchwood

Characters/Pairing: Ianto & PC Andy mentions of Jack/Ianto, Gwen, Owen and Tosh.

Disclaimer:I don't own Torchwood or Who all belongs to RTD and the BBC

Warnings: Spoilers for all Torchwood but not Exit Wounds.

Bad language

Author's Note: Set S2 After A Day In The Death but before Adrift.

Wrote this because i reckon Ianto and PC Andy would make an excellent double act- they need a spin-off!

Please review. Cheersies :D

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Ianto Jones sighed and rested his head against the steering wheel of the SUV.

It was 4am on a Thursday morning and he was out on a routine clear up operation. Well it was routine insofar as anything at Torchwood could be considered routine. The team had called him an hour ago to tell him that a weevil attack had killed 3 civilians and could he 'deal with it'?

That always made Ianto laugh. The casual way Jack said 'deal with it' as if cleaning up dead bodies, decontaminating the scene and doctoring records were as easy as making a cup of his industrial strength coffee. _'Deal with it._' Ianto snickered quietly and left the SUV moving around to get official police cordons out of the boot.

He walked far enough away from the crime scene so that anyone passing at this ungodly hour wouldn't be able to see the blood soaked carnage that the weevils had wrought so close to the city centre.

Not that he thought anyone would actually be out at this time. Sane people with normal jobs and normal lives would either be stumbling in the door from the pub- like Owen on his nights off or tucked up in bed sleeping.

Sleep. Sleep was a luxury at Torchwood Cardiff, especially for Ianto. After the others had left to go collapse in bed he was out cleaning their mess or writing their reports, which he knew he'd have to redo anyway if they attempted them. He had perfected his coffee making abilities not out of choice but out of necessity-caffeine was a beautiful thing.

He didn't really mind most nights, when he came back Jack was always in the Hub waiting- since he had a phenomenal ability to be an insomniac with no need or particular want for sleep. Ianto had taken it upon himself to tire Jack out enough to make him sleep. The mission had been a success thus far and they normally collapsed into an exhausted mesh of heavy limbs for a couple of hours of dreamless sleep before Ianto went home to have a shower and change into another suit for the next day.

Although Ianto was pretty certain that not even fantastic sex with Jack could redeem this particular night.

It had been a hard day involving chasing down a possible invasion force and subduing them, then a huge shipment of alien tech had arrived from Glasgow (unannounced) that needed archiving and now he weevils. And to top it all off it was pouring rain. It was absolutely teeming down and had already completely drenched his suit and coat.

Ianto shivered as he went back to collect body bags and cleaning supplies from the SUV, pulling out a boiler suit that would protect his suit. He shuddered as his damp shirt clung to his skin. The only bright spot in his whole scenario was that the weevil's victims had known each other- it would make it easier to formulate a cover story; a car crash was the most reasonable option.

Ianto sighed and shook his head disgusted; this was how he was measuring good points in his job now? _Whether murder victims knew each other. _

He'd already started on creating a paper trail once Tosh had emailed him back the photos of the victims to the Hub. Melanie Carr, 22- student of Biology at the University. He looked down at her, the girl's head had been almost severed by a weevil and her blonde hair was matted with congealed blood.

Ianto swallowed and looked at the other two bodies which were slumped on top of each other. Deborah Keenan,21- student of Biomedical science, Melanie's flatmate and her boyfriend Jason McNabb, 21 student of history and Welsh. Jason had fallen onto of Deborah when his stomach was sliced open by a Weevil and his blood was splattered over his lover's face. Deborah's eyes were open wide and glared at Ianto in an accusatory manner that he tried to ignore.

Snapping on a pair of surgical gloves Ianto crouched down at Melanie's side and unfurled a white, plastic body bag and struggled to manoeuvre her limp weight without disturbing her head too much. The metallic tang of blood hung in the air and settled at the back of his throat. He might have gagged if he wasn't so used to the taste. Ianto supposed that revelation should have disturbed him, but he didn't have the energy to care.

Ianto managed to get the other two into their body bags easily enough, having only a little trouble with Jason's body as he had been slightly overweight and difficult to move. He stacked the bags over to the side and set about cleaning the blood off the rain drenched street. It wasn't going to be that difficult; the rain had already washed most of it away.

Ianto moved quickly and efficiently with he practised ease of someone who's done this too many times. It might be unlikely that anyone would stumble upon the scene (he had retcon if they did) but the weevils were known scavengers and if Owen was right about their telepathy then they could descend on him at any moment. It wouldn't be the first time.

When he'd removed the blood to the best of his ability Ianto removed the soiled boiler suit and gloves and placed them into a biohazard bag. Then he went back to get the bodies as swiftly as he could hefting the first over his shoulder he scurried back to the SUV and dumped it into the boot. The motion was repeated with the second bag without mishap but the third bag-with the heavier male inside required a bit more effort to get over his shoulder.

Ianto groaned at the strain then froze at a sudden growling noise behind him. He spun slowly on the spot blinking rapidly to clear the rain from his eyes and found himself face to face with two very aggressive looking weevils.

"Shit."

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PC Andy Davidson got off duty at 3am, he'd been policing the streets of Cardiff since early that morning and was footsore and tired. The overtime that he had spent being harangued by drunken louts had done not exactly improved his rapidly darkening mood, nor was the hammering rain which slipped down the back of his fluorescent jacket, running down his spine, chilling him.

But now Andy was off duty and looking forward to a nice, hot cup of tea in at the little 24 hour café beside the bay, a long shower and 12 hours of near comatose slumber. He smiled as he thought of his warm bed waiting for him at home.

Then he saw the police cordons and the smile slipped off his face. Andy Davidson, like any good police officer, was nosy. He was not quite as nosy as Gwen but he was nosier than the average copper. So naturally he had to go for a bit of a nose around.

The street seemed extraordinarily quiet for a crime scene and Andy felt his hackles rise as he continued through the barricade meeting no resistance whatsoever. He crept down the street his footsteps echoing around him in an eerie manner that caused all the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end. "Hello, anyone there?"

His voice sounded thin and hollow as it bounced off the walls. He carried on at a slightly quicker pace and started into a run when the unmistakable sounds of a struggle rang out.

Andy sprinted around the corner to see a man in a suit wrestling with some sort of a monster in a blue boiler suit (What kind of monsters wear boiler suits?). There was a second monster preparing to launch itself at the struggling man.

"Oi!" Andy shouted gaining the attention of all three combatants in what would have been a comical way if two of said combatants hadn't had razor sharp teeth.

The moment lasted only a split second before the man in the suit swung a right hook at the monster holding him and it went down with a growl. The other monster had decided that Andy might be easier prey and had come charging at him. Andy panicked and only just managed to get his truncheon out before he was barrelled over.

"Police! Listen mate you cut that out, you're under arrest for assaulting a police officer." Andy gasped as he stuck the truncheon between the thing's teeth and tried to shove it off.

The thing took no notice instead pressing hard against the stick in Andy's hands and getting so close that Andy could feel it's fetid breath on his cheek and smell the stench of sewer water and blood off it.

_This is it Davidson, this is what you get for being such a nosy sod. You're going to be mauled by a walking turd._ Andy closed his eyes for the inevitable pain as his grip on the truncheon weakened. Instead a gunshot rang out and the monster collapsed onto him knocking his breath out of his lungs.

Andy hurridly shoved off the dead weight and scrambled to his feet looking down a the dead body. "What the hell was that?"

He looked up at the suited man who was slowly lowering his gun. The man's eyes swung from Andy to the monster. "That PC Davidson, is a weevil."

Andy looked up sharply. "How do you know my name?" He really looked at the man. He was tall probably a few inches taller than Andy himself but not much, at least five years younger than him and slim. The suit he was wearing was a full three piece which in spite of the torrential rain and wrestling with monsters still managed to look immaculate. Andy felt a flicker of recognition.

"Bloody Torchwood. Bloody Torchwood and you're Bloody Spooky-Do's"

The man looked at him calmly and raised a disbelieving eyebrow; "Spooky-Do's?"

Andy ignored him and looked around taking in the two dead weevils and the garish white of a body bag standing out against the darkened alleyway. He turned back to the man who was still watching him impassively, just standing there in a three piece suit surrounded by aliens and blood and death- just standing there. "What are you doing?"

"Cleaning up."

"Cleaning up?"

"Cleaning up." The emotionless mask didn't so much as flicker.

"So that's what you do? Jones?...It is Jones isn't it?" A small nod. "They run around after aliens and you just clean up?"

"I'd say that was a remarkable concise summation PC Davidson." Jones said with a small smile. "Do you fancy a cup of tea?"

"What?!" Andy's shock must have shown on his face because Jones' little smile widened.

"Well I'm having coffee but if my research is accurate you prefer tea..yes?" Andy gave a little dumbfounded nod. "Excellent, I know a perfect little place by the bay. If you'd just wait a few minutes whilst I finish up here we can go there."

To say that Andy was suspicious of a member of Torchwood casually asking him to tea was a bit of an understatement. "Why do you want to go for tea? You're not going to poison me or something are you?"

Jones actually laughed at that as he hefted the weevil up onto his shoulder. "You saved my life constable. I think tea is the least I can do." He turned toward the SUV then paused. "And no, I'm not going to poison you, not intentionally anyway-I'm not sure about the quality of their tea."

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Half an hour later they were sat in a quiet café not far from the Hub, not that Andy knew that, Ianto had a cup of coffee in front of him and Andy was nursing a cup of tea letting it warm his frozen hands.

"So" Andy said after that had sat in a surprisingly unawkward silence for a long moment. Ianto glanced up at him expectantly over his coffee cup. "This happen to you often?"

"Which part."

Andy rolled his eyes. "Which part do you think Freddie?"

"Freddie?"

"Scooby Doo? Freddie Jones…your last name is Jones…Freddie."

Ianto's lips twitched "Ianto..not Freddie. He was always a bit too…camp my liking."

Andy choked a bit on his tea. "Camp?! But he was with Daphne wasn't he?"

Ianto waved his hand dismissively; "That doesn't mean anything-just because she was always hanging around him doesn't mean he wasn't sneaking back to Shaggy's after the investigations."

"Thanks for ruining my childhood."

"Not a problem, I'm happy to oblige."

"Anyway you can hardly talk about camp, the way your mate Mulder swans about in that great, big, poncy coat." Ianto choked on his coffee. "You didn't answer my question."

"I didn't know what you were asking." Ianto replied mildly wiping his mouth with a napkin.

Andy sighed exasperatedly; "Does this happen often?"

"Defiling precious childhood heroes? More often than you might think, this one time Owen said that TinTin.."

"No not that bit. Before…"

"What? Cleaning up dead bodies, shooting weevils, rescuing Cardiff's finest, drinking tea with sarcastic policemen?" Ianto's expression was one of innocent bemusement.

"With the bodies, the weevils- do the others just leave you to get mauled?" Andy was starting to get frustrated.

"That's a bit overdramatic."

"Is it?"

Ianto sighed, shifting slightly in his seat and for a moment Andy might have though he looked uncomfortable but the emotion was gone as soon as he'd registered it.

Ianto looked at Andy with a gleam of mischief in his gaze. "Did I hear you right before?"

"What?" Andy was a bit wrong footed by the sudden change of demeanour.

"I believe you just tried to arrest an alien for assaulting a police officer."

Ianto was grinning now and Andy felt a blush rise up from his neck to the tips of his ears. "Maybe I did. Never know, it might have worked." He said defensively.

"Indeed. Well it could have been worse; the first time Gwen saw one she though it was a man in a mask."

"Really?" Andy asked incredulously feeling less embarrassed as Ianto smiled encouragingly at him.

"Yea; the first time Owen saw one he started bawling like a baby."

"Owen; he's the doctor? The short, gobby one with the attitude problem?" Andy laughed. "I'd love to see that!"

"I've got it on DVD- took it off the CCTV my first week there. Owen was being a tosser and calling me 'tea-boy' so I overroad the system and broadcast it to the entire Hub. I even set up a projector to play it against the wall. A 20ft Owen sobbing like a child." He added dreamily obviously enjoying the memory.

The two of them laughed at that image for a couple of miutes until they were disturbed by a mobile phone ringing, Ianto rummaged in his damp trouser pocket and pulled it out and answered it without glancing at the screen.

"Hello Jack….Yes…No…No problems." Ianto winked at Andy who smiled back at him. "Just having a cup of coffee..OK..I'll be there in 10 minutes…Bye."

Ianto sighed as he put the phone back into his pocket and stood giving Andy a regretful smile. "Sorry PC Davidson, duty calls. Thanks for your assistance." He held out his hand for Andy to shake.

"Anytime Jones." Andy replied with a grin.

"You don't fancy going for a pint this weekend do you? Six Nations is on and I don't think that a cup of tea fully repays a life debt."

"Oh and a pint of beer does?"

"Those are my terms Davidson, take them or leave them."

"Sure Jones, just don't bring any of those tossers you work with."

Ianto gave him a small smile before turning on his heel and walking out into the still heavy rain. Andy found himself quite liking the young Welshman. Sure, technically the rule was that everyone in Torchwood was a massive prat. Maybe Ianto Jones was the exception that proved the rule. Andy finished his tea, draining the cup with a single gulp and stood longing once again for the comfort of his bed. He was halfway to the door when he had a revelation.

The sneaky bastard had left Andy to pay.

Maybe Torchwood were _all_ prats.

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Thanks for reading

So Wadda Ya Think? Should I write more Ianto & PC Andy?

Please Review

Cheersies :D


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